Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: and I looked for some to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none. -- Psalm 69:20
But the LORD is my defence; and my God is the rock of my refuge. -- Psalm 94:22
Years ago, you thought that the fights in your family were normal. Besides, you understood that no family is perfect so you just let things be. But as you aged and now that you’re an adult, you realized such instances weren’t only fights but occurrences when family members bullied you.
When did the bullying start?
You look back and see that the clashes between you and your older siblings began the times you finally stood up against their wicked ways. Gone are the days you hesitated to identify their ways as wicked because that's what they really are.
You witnessed their arrogance, covetousness, incontinence, and fearless acts of lying. You witnessed their disobedience to your parents. You witnessed how they answered back your parents and disrespectfully behaved in their presence. You witnessed the brazen manner they prioritized other people and neglected the family and closest relatives. You experienced how they intentionally slammed doors or other objects at you (or another family member), yelled at you, called you names, humiliated you privately or publicly, ignored you, belittled you, gave you the silent treatment, attacked you, and hurt you physically. At certain times, you also witnessed how your parents and another member of the family, even at the time of poor health, became the recipient of their ill treatment.
The sad part is that they see nothing wrong with all these but defend themselves or make excuses for such unacceptable attitude and behavior.
You sought help but found none
You resented them for all their wicked ways and you wanted to fight them. You thought they would stop when you alerted the authorities, but they didn’t. They continued behaving as brats and bullies.
So, to find comfort and support, you reached out to people you considered friends or allies. But instead of lending you a listening ear, one person lectured upon you to patch things up with your family. The next person received your message, but your message received no consoling response but silence and evasion. Yet another person blamed you for being the passive recipient of such treatment and accused you of allowing such things to happen. You also turned to a few family members, whom you thought would stand by you and support you, but they're too busy, uninterested, or unconcerned.
You considered seeking clinical treatment; you thought you needed one because of the depth of pain you endure for being the target of repeated family bullying. But since the pandemic, your source of income has been impeded and your funds depleted, so you hold yourself back from spending significant amount of money for getting professional help. But you sense in your heart that you’re restrained. You can identify right from wrong. You fear God and so taking your own life is never going to be your immediate resolve. Most importantly, you believe that God is the Ultimate Healer of all time. Considering all these, you’re convinced you don’t need professional help or clinical intervention after all.
Still, the stress and trauma from all the bullying you experience in your family all these years just don't go away. You’re deeply hurting and alone. But pause awhile. Take this time to remember the ones who were there for you. They may no longer be around, but they accorded you the clear affirmation that they loved you, cared for you, chose you, stood by you, and believed in you to be the resilient individual you’ve become regardless of the circumstances. But just because they’re gone now doesn’t mean you don’t matter anymore, because you do matter. In their absence, know that the Lord is there for you and He takes care of you (Psalm 27:10).
God is alive and He listens to your cries
The experience of being bullied by family members is painful enough and to find no one to turn to may compound the pain even more. Remember, you’re not the first one to be in this lonely situation. God sets the solitary in families (
Psalm 68:6). He hears you each time you cry and He feels your pain.
The God of the Bible has documented in His Word the believers who went through similar bullying experience in the family. Take Joseph, for instance. His older siblings were jealous of him, primarily because their father favored him highly and so they bullied him to no end. But even if they mistreated him and later sold him to slavery (Genesis 37:27), God stayed by his side, turned his painful situation around, and made him ruler of a foreign land. You may not become a ruler of another place after this painful situation, but know that God will perfect whatever concerns you (Psalm 138:8).
Hold your head up high and trust in God—and in God alone
You can—and you will have to—resist the abusive acts of your narcissistic siblings, especially if you live in the same place with them. If this is so, you might have to observe all of the following practices from this time on:
Fret not because of evildoers
You still sense the anger you have toward them for all the trouble and pain they've caused not only you but also the family. So you imagine punching them on the face real hard! You're angry! But God's Word commands us to cease from anger and to abstain from doing evil ourselves (Psalm 37:8), so you step back. God's Word speaks to you softly but firmly: "Fret not thyself because of evildoers . . . For they shall soon be cut down like the grass . . . Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass" (
Psalm 37:1-5).
Keep your distance
This means you will have to set some boundaries. This may mean not joining your siblings at meal times or not cooking the family food anymore. This may also mean you will have to stop talking to the family bullies. Difficult, but doable. Remember, you can’t change the bullies, but you can change the way things go for you—if you stay away from them.
Buy your own supplies and eat your own food
Sharing things with family bullies can be primary factors contributing to the familiarity that breeds contempt. So diminish such factors to discourage the bullying; purchase your own groceries and other necessities, food included. You have to tell them—verbally or in written form—that you’re separating from the family food and that you’re buying your own supplies. You need not explain why you’re doing this. But in your heart, you refuse to participate in their wicked works and "eat of their dainties" (
Psalm 141:4). And they're probably not concerned about checking what’s missing in the pantry or wherever around the house because you used to take care of these things, which, by the way, isn't your obligation. So, now that you've freed yourself from all that, you'll see them move and take on the responsibilities.
Take care of yourself
You’ve taken care of the family all these years. But instead of thanking you, these family members trash your sedulous efforts and bully you as if you deserve to be harshly treated. The psalm of David has become your ultimate cry toward God: “For my love they are my adversaries: but I
give myself unto prayer” (
Psalm 109:4). So now, instead of using your resources for others, do yourself a favor: spend your resources to take care of yourself. Many people experience financial constraints, especially at this time of the pandemic, and you probably do too. Trust in God. Ask Him to show you ways to earn sufficiently so you can sustain your daily needs and not depend on anyone.
Don’t rush your recovery process
You've been through years of being bullied by family members and the pain you feel is valid. So don't pressure yourself to get out of it speedily. Don’t hold back those tears; take your time to relieve your heavy heart. Cry out to God. He hears you and He will heal your deep wounds in His time.
Stay productive
Attend to your paid or unpaid projects that have been put off for so long. Get back to them. Do them. Complete them.
Avoid family gatherings where the bullies are present
Just because it's a family event doesn't mean you have to force yourself to be there. You just can’t blend in the family gathering because the bullies are there. Besides, other family members might not see your painful experience as serious and knowing that fact might just unnecessarily hurt you even more. You're no prisoner. So, opt to go some place else and rejoice in the Lord Jesus.
Stop confiding in people, but in God
From your personal experience, you already know that no one’s willing to give you a shoulder to cry on or lend you a listening ear without you getting scathing remarks or emotional and mental bruises. People you're once close to stay aloof or stand afar off (
Psalm 38:11). Perhaps, God has removed these people around you for your own good (
Psalm 88:8). So stop seeking affirmation, comfort, or pity from people. And do so without bitterness. Remember, everyone’s different so you may not receive the same soothing relief other people find in their network of people. You don’t need human validation to say you’re OK or otherwise. But choose to ask God for help in times of trouble, for vain is the help of man (
Psalm 108:12).
Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. -- Psalm 27:14
1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. --
2 Timothy 3:1-5
